why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
