I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
