FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
