Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
