Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
this is an emotional support booty call
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
