"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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