Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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