Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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