You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
