this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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