my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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