my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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