matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
