What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
