Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
