They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
