I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
