Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We left the knife in your bed.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize