I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
