I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
honey bunches of taint.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Boobs speak an international language.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
