last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
