Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize