So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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