Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My balls are so social today.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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