well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize