Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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