Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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