I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
