i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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