Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize