He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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