you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize