I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
