my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
