I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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