so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We left the knife in your bed.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
