Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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