If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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