My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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