im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
