Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
