I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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