this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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