would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize