I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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