fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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