Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
