I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
