please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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