Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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