shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
