I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
