I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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