Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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