How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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