I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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