two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize