The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize