Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
