I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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