how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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