Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
