I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
